New
Older
About Me
Cast
Diaryrings
contact
Wishes
clix
my ebay listings
Image
Design
Diaryland

July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

Editor's note: I started writing this earlier tonight and started to chicken out. Not necessarily because I was afraid of what readers might think, but because I think I have a hard time thinking about it myself. I started getting all psych student-y and thinking about the symbolism of what I was doing and yadda yadda yadda. Long story short, I decided to finish writing the entry and post it because I felt it would be better for me.

Ugh. After posting that I felt so ashamed that I just had to post another entry so that one would not be on my index. Damn Friday Five anyway. I kept waiting for the new one to be posted but apparently the link was funky or something because it kept showing me the old one. Whatever.

I think I should clarify a few things in light of this week's Friday Five. I don't feel that I am a particularly promiscuous person because of that whole shit about the double standard for women, society's expectations for women, blah blah blah.

But I do feel that I had been somewhat promiscuous nonetheless. I am 21 years old. I first had sex when I was 15 years old. In the last six years I have had six sexual partners. Ah, the power of hindsight. Knowing what I know now, I would not have done many of the things I did. Of course, I cannot look at these incidents as if they are isolated. It is like when you throw a rock into a pond and it makes ripples that reverbrate throughout that pond. These events shaped who I am now, and it is easy now to say that that one incident was not good, and that I wish to take it back, but it changes the course of my life, even if in small ways.

I wish I had not slept with my first partner, Richard. I did not love him. I was scared. Then I felt he had a sense of entitlement, so one thing led to another. But then I have to wonder...had we not slept together, would I still be a virgin? These events have woven themselves together into a beautiful tapestry and without sleeping with Richard I may never have slept with another person.

Then there was my second partner, Alan. We had dated for so long, went on break (which was when I started dating Richard) and when we got back together we were no longer two nervous teenagers. I was no longer nervous of the unknown, since it was no longer that, and so we slept together once. Within a few days, overwhelmed by the changes such intimacy causes, he broke up with me.

This drove me right into the arms of my next boyfriend and partner.

At this point in my life I did not enjoy sex. It was more of a vehicle to keep a boyfriend and an attempt to find love. Alan leaving me (every time) left me feeling very vulnerable and I did not like that feeling of loneliness. Of course, (again bless that hindsight) I realize how stupid it was. Sex did not bring me closer to anyone, even Alan.

So by that point I had 3 partners and had sex 9 times. After Adam left me I decided that I was not going to date and I certainly was not going to have sex for a long time.

A year later I met David...I still remember everything about the first time I slept with David. I felt somewhat powerless to stop what was going to happen, and I saw it coming a mile away. It was Good Friday, 1998. I went up to Boston, to the college David and Alan were attending. I felt so grown up, after all I was staying the night in a dorm! (woo hoo.) I knew what kind of message it was sending, but I was yearning to see Alan and shed the high school skin.

Afterward David went to take a shower, and there was a soft knock on the door. I answered the door and Alan looked at me with sad eyes. He said with great indignation that he could not believe I would have sex on Good Friday, but since neither of us are really practicing Catholics (I am not even sure he IS Catholic - I am though) I knew that he was just masking his hurt.

Now, I feel that sleeping with David was a mistake because I really did not love him and he certainly did not even reciprocate the feelings I mistook as love. BUT, I will say this, given that I can't turn back the clock I am kinda happy it happened. We had a relationship for about 6 months or so and it revolved around sex and it was great. I felt really sexy, desired, and good about my body. I felt way less inhibited when it came to sex and learned a lot about pleasing myself as well as a man.

My next partner I feel particularly ashamed of because I slipped right back into my old feelings of entitlement. I have since learned that nobody is entitled to such intimacy, but it's amazing the difference a few years make. I have to say too that my sexual appetite had grown after dating David, and well, I just felt like it. I figure it is better than having some one night stand, but at the same time, I feel bad because the emotion that should come with such intimate acts was missing.

I am not going to comment on my sexual relationship with Jim, more out of respect for him because I know he reads my diary and I don't think he would appreciate me talking about it. The one thing I will say is that I truly do not have any regrets. I sometimes think we could have waited a little longer, but no damage seems to be done and I felt that for once things were done for the right reasons. I feel emotions that I had not experienced prior and it makes everything so much more enjoyable.

There it is. I put it all out on the table. I feel better somehow, almost able to put it all in the past now. I guess if I am going to do that I must comment on one thing I feel is somewhat ironic and also sad at the time. As I said, I have had six sexual partners...of those six four of them had never been intimate with another person previously. At one point I started to wonder if I was a magnet of sorts. *g* Its sad though because I wonder if any of them look back with any sort of regrets, as I have.

Before - After