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Diaryland

July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

When my plane landed the first thing I noticed was that there was nobody around. I had forgotten that people are not allowed in the terminal anymore and it made me yearn for those pre-9/11 days when Jim would meet me right at the door and throw his arms around me. I kinda wandered around, wondering where he would be.

I finally made it to the place where everyone else's loved ones were waiting...but there was no Jim. So then I went down to baggage claim....no Jim

I started to worry because I thought maybe he had decided that I had not made the plane or something...

Of course I had NO change, and no cell phone (and I am coming to realize that you really cannot live without one) so I pulled out my trusty phone card...that had NO minutes. I had purchased a nifty phone card last September with rates of .04 a minute, but you had to purchase at least $20 and I really did not feel like spending 20 bucks on a phone call to Jim. But I did it, rationalizing that it would save me money on long distance in the long run.

I called him and he was still on the highway. Whew! I was sure he was pissed since it was so last minute and he was now spending his Thurs night on the highway all night.

But when I got into his car like 10 minutes later he gave me a kiss and put his hand on my leg. I felt so much better.

As we got closer to where he lived we went out for dinner - Mickey D's - the only thing open at like 1 AM and went back to his apartment to eat and talk.

Let me just say that his apartment is really cute. I kept mentioning this to him over the course of the weekend and he was probably starting to get insulted, inferring that I thought he was living in a cave with bin Laden or something...But seriously, he is such a workaholic I figured that he wouldn't really care as much about the condition of his new home. But yeah, it was pretty cute. His room was kinda small, but otherwise cute.

The next day he went to work, and he let me sleep in, giving me instructions on how to get to his work. So I got up and readied myself to take a metro bus...which did not show up. He said it came at quarter of. Now I left his apartment at 10:30 knowing full well it would take me less than 5 minutes to get to the stop, which was on the corner of his street. Having locked the door on the way out, there being nobody home, and having no key, I had nothing better to do, so I waited for the bus. See! Reason number 232498742957 to have a cell phone, cause I could have called him to tell him what was up, and get advice on what to do. The bus ended up coming at 11:30 and I went to the metro station.

I love the metro. Not quite as cool as the T, but cool nonetheless. The neat thing is that where he works is like RIGHT near the metro stop. So as soon as I got above ground I was there.

We went to lunch with some people he worked with, all very nice (really) and then we walked around his building and then (luckily for us) he got to leave early! Woo hoo!

Of course we went home and fooled around and went to Chili's for dinner.

The next day we went to a workshop put on by another division in his building and that was kinda fun. One of the instructors has become one of his close friends and the two are eerily alike. Of course, they said that I was just like the guy's girlfriend so I thought that was funny.

After that we headed to his parents house for his youngest brother's birthday (18! gosh, I feel old!) and that was fun. I had way way too much of the cookie cake, but the frosting was just so good.

As we drove back up towards his apartment we stopped for milkshakes to talk. I don't think we had truly resolved the whole Mike thing from last semester, and it really needed to be done. Probably more for my own sanity than his. I feel such enormous amounts of guilt when I screw up in this relationship, something that has never happened before. Sounds sad, but I never really felt remorse or regret when I would do things to make former boyfriends feel badly. As often as I had been hurt, I did not stop to think about my actions. As I explained to Jim though, my stupidity in our relationship stems more from fear. I really fear that we will never get married. As I have in the past, I am sure I will get mail or notes from people saying that I am only making the situation worse, but you know what? Fuck you. Seriously. Because it is 2002, and I really think its sad that women are supposed to just wait for guys to get the balls to say, hey, I "think" I might be ready for an adult, committed relationship. Why is that when a woman wants something and she persists when she can't get it she is a bitch. When guys do it they "just know what they want."

I know what I want. I want to spend the rest of my life with Jim. I love him, I enjoy spending time with him, I think we have a lot in common, I could list reasons for a while here. Well, my point is that is gives me anxiety to think that he may not want the same thing as I do. For all I knew he could be content with just having this level of a relationship for the rest of his life. And yes, while I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am needing something more. There is a security that comes with being married, and in like 5 years or so I want to start discussing having children. There are so many things that I want.

Where was I? Oh, right. So, here I am/was with this fear that this might be IT. As good as it gets. And I just want to know. And I wasn't feeling like I knew what was going on with him. So I did stupid things, that I really regret. And we talked about that. It was good.

Then on Sunday I left. We had a nice brunch at Friday's and I felt good about where we stood. We still have another 10 months before anything major could change in our relationship anyway. I can't go anywhere right now, and we don't want him to go anywhere. So I guess we just coast for awhile. I did say to him a few weeks ago that this really will become an issue as we get closer to my graduation. I don't mind, and I actually would like to move to Virginia when I graduate, but having no family, no friends out there it really would be for him. And with him at that point having had 2 years in his job and me being out of school I don't feel it is unreasonable to move our relationship to another level. We have spent almost 3 and a half (at this point) years where we are, and I think at some point you need to fish or cut bait.

Man, where did that soap box come from? I have to catch a bus, but I will return to this topic next week because I don't feel I have said everything that I want to say about this. Ciao!

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