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July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

Speaking of grrrr...sometimes when I talk to Jim I feel like it may be more satisfying to just bang my head against the wall. I get the same sort of ache in my head after talking to him on occasion. I'm trying to plan what I am doing with my loan money. I want to invest some of it, I would really like to get a new car before this one blows up. Since he brought up his rent, it reminded me to ask him about rent and stuff and how much I should save for the move down to Virginia. Now, lets recap. From what I remember, we had talked about how MAYBE just maybe, it could work out that I could move into the apartment he is in now. Nevermind that they all pay the same rent, and some people have wayyyyyy bigger rooms than others. One guy has the master bedroom. But I won't EVEN get into that. But now apparently this is not even something to consider. In fact, the way the conversation was going it sounded like Jim thought I was just going to move down here and live in my own apartment. Ummmm...yeah. Cause I'm moving down to VA for my jollies.

It gets better. Then he says that he doesn't want to have to move again since he just moved into the apartment this past summer. Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Jim. What WAS I thinking? How could I possibly expect you to move...nevermind that I would be moving however many hundreds of miles away from a place I have lived for 5 years. To a place where I don't know anybody, and where it will take me more work to get a job. Not just because my advisor doesn't have the connections in VA that she does in MA, but because I would have to take an extra teacher test. So yeah, you stay there and do nothing, while I do everything. I feel like this is the recurring theme in our relationship. I am the one who calls. For every like 5 letters or cards I send, I perhaps get one in return. He always calls the shots, and I always jump up and do whatever. To his credit, he never asked me to move here. I just THOUGHT that maybe just maybe since we will have dated for more than four years, have already lived together for one, and spent the last two in a ld relationship that he would want that. And it had never bothered me until now that I would have to do a lot of work to get there. I felt it was all worthwhile. But NOT when he is going to whine about having to move somewhere else. I mean, give me a break.

Don't get me wrong, he's not like a slimeball or something. I am just kinda ticked right now. The big picture is that I am pretty happy. He tried really hard. He visits a lot, and well, I don't have to defend him to anyone. I just want to be able to bitch and not get all these commentaries from everyone.

Of course, if I was smart, I would just accept that since he calls the shots, we are never going to get married. Since at this point in my life its more about wanting to be with him, not the act itself, I guess that is why I stay anyway. Eventually I will want to get married and have a family and then I will have to accept reality. But I guess for now it works....

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