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Diaryland

July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

I blew off Andy, deciding that rather than go see a movie that I would light some candles, do a load of laundry and chill out with some mediocre TV.

Now, I hate doing laundry, but I have come to the conclusion that if I do it on a consistent basis (like every week) rather than the day I discover I have no more clean panties that it is much better. Not only would carrying the basket no longer qualify as lifting weights for the day, but doing one load is much easier than doing 3. Besides, I have this huge bottle of detergent I bought last year that I really need to use. So since I don't pay to do laundry, who cares if the machine isnt full? I think Monday I am going to put my kicks in there, since white shoes don't fare well since it's all muddy and junk.

Taking down my February calendar made me feel so happy today. Now I can look over at my closet door and see four months posted, knowing that I have less than 100 days left. I am so freakin excited. I think I am more excited about June than April, even though the latter will be very fun and is much closer. Whatever. In a way it helps keep me focused on my schoolwork, and it keeps me from getting discouraged about the amount of work I have to do. All I have to do is think about how sweet it will be in three months when I am done and back with Jim full time.

Shit though, it's been two years. That's a long time and it's going to be so weird at first. I have this feeling that in the beginning it's going to feel like I am just on this long visit or something. Especially if I don't find some sort of shit job to kick around with for the three months I am off before school starts.

I did my observation of S. today. I felt like a blubbering idiot. Actually, that was a theme for today. On Fridays the staff has breakfast and stuff and apparently Fridays are casual, even for my section which is a lot less casual than other parts of the school. ANYWAY, so I went in, got some OJ and a donut and as I was walking back to my classroom J. the oh-my very hot teacher came by and said hi. Of course, this kind of startles me so I spill OJ all over myself. Classy babe, that's me. Then I realize after he had walked by that I never said hi back. d'oh. Of course I beat myself up about it. By the time I made it to my room I was all pissed at myself for grabbing a donut. That's it, I thought. Just make yourself MORE fat. Actually, hey, while you are at it, why don't you grab ANOTHER donut. Or there is always the WHOLE DAMN BOX. I think part of my frustration is reading about so many people making so much progress. Not that I am not happy for them, but I know deep down that I should be working on it too.

Of course, when I think of the changes I have made in the two years since Jim has left...Now my beverage of choice is water. The last time I drank soda was when I was with Jim almost two weeks ago. I think he's the only one I drink soda with. And that's more because we are in resturaunts and it's either booze or soda. I choose soda. Don't even mention ice water, because it's just going to be from their tap and in MA I would not trust that. Thanks though.

Um, my portions are more under control too. I eat breakfast every day, which I think makes a difference. And yeah, sometimes I eat stuff like Lucky Charms for breakfast, not exactly the breakfast of champions, but I will say this: if it were not for cereal, I would not take in any milk at all. Oh, and I take vitamins every day, that's good. And snacks are pretty much restricted to class and during snack time at school. I really don't eat them on weekends, and I don't think my weekday snacks kill me. I could pick better things that reese's peanut butter cups, but hey, I would rather have one reese's to satisfy my chocolate craving than something worse (and there are many more options.)

Despite all that self-deprecation, I ate the donut. It tasted good. And you know what, I bet I will do the same damn thing next week.

Jim's in NJ this weekend. I called him last night after chatting with Holly. I was all grumpy after trying to post an entry to vent and Dland going down. Basically I was griping about how Jim never emails/text messages/calls/writes me. Like ever. Unless it's something work related. Woo. Not that I don't want him to send those things, but I would love something that tells me he misses me, he loves me, he can't wait to see me. Grumble. I write him letters at least once a week, I email him frequently, and I was sending him little text messages every day but then he complained that his phone made an annoying beep when he gets those. FINE. Look bud, it's only three more months. Appease me, throw me a bone here.

The thing is, I know he is busy. I know he has a "real" job now, as opposed to the days when he was working at the movie theatre our first summer dating when he would email me daily - sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. However, I am student teaching full time. That's like having a "real" job. Plus I have two classes. So it's not like I am sitting around all day, doing nothing. I have a busy life, but not too busy for the person that I love. I would never be too busy for him. Besides, it's like shooting off a quick email that says "hey, I was thinking of you so I just wanted to say hi and I love you" - you know, shit that would MAKE my day, would take like 5 hours to do.

So we talked a little about it last night. He did not have a lot of time (if I had a nickel for every time I heard that or that his battery was about to die) to talk but he explained that he doesn't have time at work and when he gets home he just wants to go to bed. Hmph.

Part of me feels like I should just deal with it, after all, just a few months until I move. But at the same time I miss him so much right now, and I think it's pretty crummy that I am the only one reaching out. I don't expect this to be a tit for tat relationship, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I am the one person in this.

Enough brain spew for right now. I am tired, it's 9:30, and I am going to bed. Nite!

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