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July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

I'm feeling strangely introspective today, and slightly disappointed in memes. I think I have been kind of hiding behind them lately for two reasons: one, it gives me something to write about besides the basic recap of my day, and two, it gives me an opportunity to talk about things I may not otherwise. Now, sometimes I don't mention something because I don't think about. Like the best/worst vacations from the Friday 5. Other times I feel almost comfortable talking about something that I am not sure will "go over" well. Yeah, I feel this sense like I can't always be honest here. Like I am going to drive away the handful of people who read here. But, since every so often I back this up to my hard drive, I guess I should just go for it, so that when I am like 40, 50, who knows, I can look back and either smile or sigh. :)

This all started when I was ironing after dinner. I started thinking about how pansy-ish these memes have become. I wanted something that went more for the meat of things. Of course, it's hard to come up with good questions. So I started thinking about what's deeply personal to me, and suddenly a question came to mind.

What word is most offensive to you? Slut.

I don't even remember exactly when during my junior year it started, or even when during my senior year it ended, but in my circle of "friends" I got labeled the slut. The spiteful, still hurting part of me looks back at those girls and feels a sense of one upping, since they don't have college degrees, they live with their parents, and one got knocked up by a really young guy (like 15, and she was like 20 I think), they are going nowhere, and while I am no rocket scientist/Rockefeller/etc. it still makes me feel better. Anyway, back to the slut thing. The saddest part is that I starting buying into it. The first guy I slept with was someone I had not even been dating long. I had dated my first "real" boyfriend for quite some time and went nowhere serious. Looking back at it, I think I was really hurting over my breakup with 1st boyfriend. In a misguided attempt to help me cheer up, my best friend at the time set me up with this guy, and before long we were in bed. Hell, watch a movie or SATC and girls sleep with a guy on the first date....or even with guys they meet at bars and whatnot...but even now, looking back I am embarrassed by my behavior. It was one of those classic situations too, shortly after we "did it" he broke up with me.

Now I know I will never know for sure, but I think this whole slut thing originated because a former best friend of mine wanted first timer (she could HAVE him as far as I was concerned), but just my luck, he wanted nothing to do with her, so she took it out on me. I think there is some serious jealousy on her part. We actually had a sordid love-hate relationship.

I met her in junior high, when I moved to MA. She was in a handful of my classes, but her best friend S., was in all of my classes plus she lived right around the corner from my house. So before long, I was S.'s best friend, and K. kind of became the third wheel. We would all hang out sometimes, but it was weird. Especially because at one point S. and I were dating boys that were friends as well, so it made a great hang out situation. K. wasn't very popular with the boys.

Well, by the end of the year, S. had pulled a little switcheroo. Actually, she had my boyfriend, and I had nobody. So that was real fun. By the time our first month of high school had passed we were not even on speaking terms. And I must say, it wasn't even me being petty. Honest. S. was jealous because I saw A. (the boyfriend) more than she did, and she thought I was going to try to steal him back or some crap like that. Plus she and I had no classes together anymore. I had kinda carried her a bit in class, but we must not have been fooling anyone, because I was placed in higher level classes than her.

Back to K. K. was in one of my classes that year, and we started talking more, griping about S. at first, and after a while we had more to talk about. In fact, I had convinced her to join ROTC, which I would regret later. ROTC had become a huge part of my life. Many people that I knew slightly from jr. high were in it, and it seemed very interesting. That's when little problems surfaced. For instance, the class we had. Our teacher joked one day about how funny it was that we were friends, because we looked so similar. We were both petite, with long dark hair, and dark eyes. I don't think K. liked that, but it got worse. Now one part of ROTC is that you have to wear your uniform. Well, every time we had to wear them, he made this big commotion, pretending he did not know who was who. She hated it.

Now, I mentioned before that K. was a little unpopular with the guys. I really don't get it. When I was in high school I had a healthy dating life, and all the guys I dated were from ROTC. K. on the other hand had many unrequited loves. Poor thing.

I think she still harbors some resentment to this day. Last year I hung out with some old friends from high school and out of the blue she just brings up this date I had on the beach when I was a sophomore and from the looks of the other girls I know I was not the only one who found it really fucking strange. In fact, I think I got in trouble with one, because I had not even told her about it. It was a very private, embarrassing thing that I had shared with her. Hmph...yeah that's right bitch, I had fun in high school and look at me now, I don't have a kid holding me back for the rest of my lige and I don't work at a tanning salon, living with my parents.

As hard as it can be for me to let go of the past, I think I am pretty much over it. I think what makes me bristle now is just the word, and what it represents. The other night when Jim and I went out with some people from work, SATC came up, and one guy talked about how the girls were sluts. But hey, if Jimmy Kimmel was talking about how many girls he had been with, nobody would be offended. There isn't even a word that refers to a guy who has "too many" partners.

Who decides what is appropriate? Maybe it's the experience I had, but I don't feel that I have a right to judge what number is "too much" or when it is appropriate for a girl to have sex (first date? one month of dating? after marriage?) Hell, a girl in NYC might find it pathetic if I said I had 6 partners, yet a girl in Nebraska might find it appalling. Now, those are stereotypes, but you get my drift. It's all perspective, but why do we care?

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