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July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

Ugh.

I am plagued by such insecurities, such anxiety that is making my life miserable. Here are my issues:

I still have not found a roommate for my house. I would really like to NOT be living there by myself, more because I hate living by myself (it's just too quiet and does not feel safe) than for financial reasons.

I don't know where things are going with Jim. My gut says that maybe nothing is going on and all we are doing is just hooking up every week. It tears me apart though. For instance, yesterday morning I give him a call (as he had requested) because I was heading to the gym. Our trip to the gym was followed by a shower together, sex, and then a nice long nap. He went off to work and I watched TV. He calls me later that night, merely to share that Fred Savage (Wonder Years) is on Law and Order as a rapist. He sounds drunk, and he admits that he's been drinking. He then tells me that he is going to sleep, as he has a long week ahead. This is like 10/11 pm. I call him at like 12:30 when I discover that West Wing is on - I love it, he hates it and I wanted to check if he was sleeping because we made plans to go to the gym today. Anyway, no answer. After WW I go in my room, lying in bed and trying to wish my anxieties to just go away. At 3 am he calls me and invites to Mickey D's. I oblige mostly because I wasn't sleeping anyway. Apparently after he called me earlier he ended up going out with some friends. (sigh) We bring it back to his house, watch some TV and go to sleep. Of course, I still cannot sleep and while earlier in the night my mind was focused on house anxieties, now it has turned to Jim anxieties. I end up getting about 4 hours of sleep and a stomach ache. We hung around in his room until finally he declared that he really had to go to work. So, here I am, wondering what to do with my day, how to stop this never ending feeling of loneliness. I am back at this point where I am crying a lot around him and it is driving the both of us nuts. I hate to be that girl. But yet I look at him and know just how much I love him...and apparently he doesn't love me back. And it tears me up so badly to think that one day (God, I hope it's not soon, he says it won't be anytime soon) he will be with someone else. He tells me I am his best friend.

Sometimes I wonder if it's making things worse when we hang around, sex or no sex...which obviously can't be helping either, but still.

I just don't know.

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