Take all American women who are within five years of
menopause -- train us for a few weeks, outfit us
with automatic weapons, grenades, gas
masks,moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones,
chocolate, and canned tuna -- drop us (parachuted,
preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and
let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when
doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and
paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.
We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they
haven't left already. And for those of us who are
single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom
to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning.
We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water
diet, the protein diet,the carbohydrate diet, and
the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across
America and never lost a pound. We can easily
survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan
with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or
lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events
... finding bin Laden in some cave will be no
problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a
new government? Oh,please ... we've planned the
seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we
understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know
every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or
cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know
how to find that money and we know how to seize it
... with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women.
Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with
hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should,
too!