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| July 01, 2006 |
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| Story of Jenn & Jim (part 1) |
It's rather fitting that I tell the story now. In 8 days we celebrate 29 months together. Also I have a little story for you. I was doing interviews for a story and I called up this guy, and his name doesn't matter so I will just say he is the Dean, but he's not. But he is up there like a Dean. Anyway, I know the Dean from doing student government and I worked in an office last summer that he would stop by a lot. So back to my story: I was asking him questions for my story and at the end he asked me where I was living and stuff, and then he said, "Jenn, may I ask you a personal question?" Now most students cannot just call up this guy and talk to him on the phone, so I figure, hey why not? So he says, "Are you and Jim still together?" I swear. The Dean of my school is asking me about my love life. Now, my school is not like Lilliputian College. We are a big school. I was pretty shocked that he knew that Jim and I were dating...but when your relationship makes the front of the student newspaper... I joined student goverment as a freshman. It was kind of odd how it all happened. Now, if y'all remember, I was going to be a lawyer, so when I went to the student govt office I asked about the student court. Fate brought me to the student senate though. So I ran and I won. When it came time to choose what committee to serve on, I missed the meeting, because I was getting my new computer/birthday present from my ex, David. That was also the night he told me that he did not want to see me anymore. So yeah, student govt was farthest on my mind. I got the forms the next day that I needed to fill out and again fate stepped in. I wanted to serve on this committee that I had read about. It wasn't on the form though. So I filled out my second through 5th choices, leaving one committee left over. Well, when I looked into my comm. choice it turned out it wasn't a comm. I could join. I already felt bad for turning in my form late, so I just marked that last comm. as my first choice. It wasn't so bad though. Well, for many reasons it took me a month to go to my first meeting. At the first meeting I think it was just me, the Chair and this little scrawny guy who drove me insane. He seemed stuck up, which I found ironic, because what with his size (or lack thereof) and glasses, he fit the nerd stereotype. All he talked about was sports, which irritated me because I am not a big sports nut. Apparently he was, and I had to laugh when he pulled on this huge Yankees coat. It looked so out of place... Yeah, that was my first impression of Jim. I hated him. Shows you how wrong first impressions can be. Now, before you think I am some bitch, let me say that I am very shy (believe it or not) and as a defense mechanism, I write off people before they can write me off. I don't do it with everyone, just with "threatening" people. It's odd, it's unhealthy, I know. Anyway, over time he grew to be tolerable. I remember a meeting where one of the leadership came and we tried to discuss ways to make meetings more fun. At the time I belonged to another group and every meeting we would do fun stuff, and I sat quietly for a while, wondering if anyone would laugh at me if I made those suggestions. Finally I spoke up, and I remember Jim was sitting across from me, and he smiled. I was glad he thought it was a cool idea. Fast forward to the Spring semester. The fall semester I just took blow off classes, so now I was taking my first two Poli sci classes. The first was intro, so that was boring, but the other was cool and had a few people from student govt in the class. So I would sit and talk with them. Now in December I was invited to go to these get togethers that other members of the student govt would have, but I worked right before and I wasn't very interested. Plus I was dating someone who was also in student govt (and I also worked with him) and he did not seem very into it. So I did not go. But I was getting restless. I was not happy in my relationship with this other guy, and I did not know how to tell him. I think I mentioned in another entry that I had only started dating him because I pitied him (I know I know, NOT a good reason) I mean, he was a nice guy and all, but there was no spark. Well, in February people in student govt were starting to buzz about who was running for President. I thought that might be a good way to get involved. Also, I was thinking of running for something, so I thought I should really get more involved. Well, one of the guys in the class mentioned that this cool guy was running. I still remember this like it was yesterday. I was by the library, and I ran into the guy and I told him that I heard he was running and I asked him if I could help out. His eyes got big, and he asked me how I heard that. I just smiled and said I had heard. So then he leaned in and told me not to tell a soul, but he wasn't running, one of his closest friends was. If you did not guess - it was Jim.
So at the meeting that week I went up to Jim and told him that I heard he was running and that I wanted to help. Since it was all hush hush he asked me how I knew, and I told him who told me, and Jim said I could help. That was the meeting he announced he was running. I sat by him. I can't remember where my bf was. Maybe he did not go to that meeting.
Now that it's been two + years I feel kinda hazy on some of the details (darn I should have had this diary then!) but I do know the moment I looked at him differently. I saw him one night at dinner and he was sitting all by himself. I remember looking over at him. He came over to say hi to me and I felt something I had not felt for anyone in a long time. All traces of that old image I had of him were gone. I don't remember when that was, but it was around the time I joined his campaign staff. So I know that night at dinner started it, and I pushed it aside. Then that night at the meeting, my feelings were confirmed, but I still pushed it aside.
The real turning point was Thursday, March 11th, 1999. Well, given the late hour it was more like the next day. It was the first day of campaign work in the office. After a late night we all headed back to the dorms. His dorm was near mine so I figured I would walk with him. I asked him if I could talk to him (I don't even remember what bogus reason I gave) See, by that point I really liked him. I had even told my best college friend, Alie, about it. I even mentioned it to his running mate.
So Jim let me into his room (he had a single) and we sat around and talked for hours. It was the best conversation I had ever had in my life. I asked him question after question. My heart sank as I watched him struggle to stay awake. I couldn't tear myself away though. I looked at his computer at one point, and it said 3-5-79 on it. Mentally retarded, I am not, but I did not want to assume, so I asked him if that was his birthday. He said it was and I was so sad that I had not known. I scolded him for not telling anyone. We talked some more and then for some reason we went over to the window to watch the snow that was falling. We were standing so close to each other...our arms were touching. I wanted to kiss him so badly. I had never been the one to make the first move so I just did nothing. But when we went to get up from the window I told him I just had to give him a "birthday hug." Mind you, I chickened out slightly...I had wanted to give him a "birthday kiss." Oh well. The hug was great. I guess in the end it was good we did not kiss because its still not fair to my bf, whether I wanted to be with him anymore or not. Later that day we were heading out to spend Spring Break in NY.
Speaking of my darling bf, it was about this point that he chose to try out for the part of "creepy psycho" and knocked on Jim's door. Mind you, it was after 5 AM by now. Granted, it did not look good. But anyway, long story short on that, he barged in and started yelling at me, and I ran out and hid. I hid in the building for a while and then I finally caught up with him and somehow we put that behind us and went on our trip. The whole week I looked forward to getting back to school and seeing Jim. I missed him. I counted the days until our next campaign meeting.
We got back to school and I continued working on the campaign. It was fun. Often times I would be working near Jim so that was cool.
Fastforward to election night. The next day I had a big exam so I planned on skipping the election party but Jared (our friend, the Chair) called me and told me he was coming to get me. He knew I liked Jim so he basically made comments about how I HAD to come support him. So I went to the party.
Jim was a wreck. I felt so badly for him. I wanted so badly for him to win. I joined the campaign by fate, and initially had so much enthusiasm about it because I liked him...but over the course of the campaign I really felt he should win. Feelings aside.
He lost. By a slim margin
We were all devastated. We drove home and at the last minute he got back into the car and decided to go find the guys who won. I was so bummed because I had wanted to talk to him, I wanted to cheer him up.
As I walked by his building the door happened to be open so I went in. I had not planned on it. I waited by his door for half an hour and finally decided that he wasn't coming. I figured that since the campaign was over I would probably never talk to him again. Things would go back to the way they were in the Fall. I certainly did not want that though. In my stupidity, I had brought my backpack with me...did I really think I would have studied? Well, I took out a piece of paper and wrote Jim this letter, saying sorry he lost and at the end I told him I liked him. I slipped it under his door and went home.
After the next meeting all of us from the campaign went out to dinner. Alie went along, because she had worked on the campaign. As we got out of the car outside our dorm she told me that I should go for it and talk to him. I don't know how but he and I ended up outside my dorm talking. I came out and told him I liked him. I wish I could remember the exact words of the response that broke my heart, but basically he said he wasn't interested. But he said called me a woman. Sounds odd, but at 18, most people did not refer to me as a woman. I was touched, so I still remember that. I remember sitting there and crying and he gave me a hug and so I sat there and cried literally on his shoulder. He felt badly and we moved inside and went to my lounge. We sat in the dark, the only light was coming in from the window. I can see us sitting there, as if I am watching us in a movie. He was wearing his suit and he looked so cute and I sat there, crying on his shoulder and breathing in his incredible scent. This might sound odd, but he wore no cologne, yet smelled incredible. It was just a combo of shampoo, soap, and detergent. I loved it. I still love it 2 years later. Finally he said he had to go. I watched him walk and then start to run back to his building. It was a good thing he started to run, because when he did I saw my bf start to walk up (another path) to my building. I don't know to this day if he saw me watching Jim in the lobby. I just bolted inside and up to my room.
Two days later...I had a class with my bf. We had not seen each other the day before because I told him I was busy. I finally realized that though I had no chance with Jim I should not keep this guy hanging. So I finally gathered the courage to tell him what I should have said months ago. When I got to class he gave me this letter that he wrote talking about how he knew he was losing me to Jim. When we walked out of class, he walked with me to my next class. I turned to walk away and then I turned back and I said to him, "Goodbye." It was like a delayed reaction. He just looked at me, and then he seemed to understand. And then I turned back and went to class.
See, we had this thing where we never said goodbye. We always said that goodbye was final. So at the end of calls or whatever it was "talk to you later" or "good night" We wanted to save goodbye for a day when we were going our seperate ways..
To be continued...
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| said Jenn on August 27, 2001 at 11:50 p.m. |