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Diaryland

July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

I hate when I forget to write about something for a few days. Thankfully I remembered when I was talking to my ex, Alan. I feel bad because I lied to him. He asked me about Jim, and since he still has feelings for me, I lied to him. Also I did not want anymore disparaging comments from him. He always asks me if Jim and I are engaged yet. Last time, when I said no, he made it sound like it was a bad thing, like Jim was some sort of a bad boyfriend for not wanting to make a commitment. Now, I know I may say that, but that does not mean that other people can. So today I lied and told him that we were not engaged yet (he would have asked too many details to have lied and said we were) BUT I did say that Jim's mother told me that he was going to ask on our three year anniversary. Alan was pretty impressed, finding Jim to be very romantic. But since Jim sure is, I don't think it's a big deal. ;)

As y'all read this week, Jim was pretty damn romantic this past weekend, and that was what I had been meaning to write about. Anyone who has read my diary for a while knows that the two biggest issues that would threaten our relationship is the distance between us, and my strong urge to get engaged...especially since he had an equally strong urge to NOT be get engaged yet/ever.

Well, basically two weeks ago was a turning point in our relationship. I had noticed that over the last few weeks things had changed in little ways. Getting a card for Valentine's Day was one of those things. In the beginning of our relationship Jim gave me many cards, sometimes for no reason at all. Eventually he just kinda stopped. This did not really bother me much because I really wasn't concerned about material aspects of our relationship. Then after the conference we attended two weeks ago, he was calling me all the time. Almost every night. It was great. I loved talking to him. We would talk about so many things. It was like the old days, whereas for a while it was all about his job, which, frankly, was quite boring.

Well, I had started this "secret" diary, where I could just vent and say whatever stupid shit was on my mind. And he had found it. I feel kinda bad knowing that he read about how I thought he sucked for being such a "commitmentphobe" especially since it's been 3 years, about how I sometimes found our conversations boring, and even how I was starting to have feelings for another man.

That was something I struggled with for quite some time. For a good part of our relationship it was as if the opposite sex did not exist. But then this one night...it was a night over winter break when I went out drinking with Mike. We were out for like 6 hours, talking about love, and what we wanted in life and I just felt relieved to know that there was a guy who felt the way I did. Jim had felt so strongly about where our relationship was going, and I was getting so frustrated. What did not make it any better was when other people started raising eyebrows, like Mike did that night. It definitely made me feel like a loser. People made it sound like we had less of a relationship because we were not making a more serious commitment. I guess it would not have bothered me except I felt the same way, and it was hard hearing other people say what I was thinking. Anyway, long story short, things have totally turned around since then. We had that really great weekend last week, and Jim is even talking about getting engaged. He says he is going to start saving money for a ring. I would love to say that something like that is not important, but it kinda is. I love having a symbol for everyone to see that there is someone who loves me very much, someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm glad that someone is Jim.

P.S. Is it bad that a part of me wants to speed up this whole process so I can go to UVa for cheap? LOL

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