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July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

Yeah, that entry was getting way too long, so I will start a new one.

School.

School is going alright right now. I feel like I have such a long day as opposed to the people placed in Amherst. I spend an hour a day just commuting. It sucks because I get home I am so tired I don't want to do jackshit, but I really need to start doing some of my work over the week so I don't have tons on the weekend.

My teacher is still great, but she is so damn busy I feel like we never have a chance to talk about anything. I want to start doing a whole lot more than I am doing right now, but we never have time to talk about it, so I can't.

My kids are amazing. They have all captured my heart, okay, all but one, but she is really annoying, she would piss off a saint. Really. All the rest are really cool, despite all their little quirks. For whatever reason, the "troublemakers" have captured my heart and attention so much more than the "good" kids. I don't know why. It's like I want to "fix" them. I spend a lot of time talking to this guy in my program, A., who has his BA in Psych and we just brainstorm ways to deal with them. Our current analysis is that some of my kids are having control issues, and since their need for control is not being met at home they are trying to exert a lot of control at school. Fair enough. So I am going to see what I can do to help them out. Because we are not getting anywhere right now. They get pissed, I get frustrated....

I'd have to say that A. is my favorite person in the program right now. We have a lot in common and we can have some amazing conversations. We hardly ever agree, yet its cool because we just banter back and forth, never really trying to convince the other of the argument, just trying to debate in a friendly way.

Wednesday he stated that he felt it was a man's nature to sleep around. He said that it natural and normal for a man to be in a relationship, even feel that he is in love with that woman, yet sleep with another.

Of course, I disagree. He also said he felt it was an esteem issue if a man did not. Of course, I continued to disagree.

And then I saw Jim last night, and I thought about Jim and my conversation with A., and here is what I was thinking:

Jim and I have been in a committed relationship for almost three and a half years. In the course of that relationship I have had one transgression. I still don't understand it myself. I chalk it up to being stupid. I know that is the lamest excuse, but given that it happened almost three and a half years ago, and means nothing, I don't really remember.

But then for three years there was nothing. I did not check out other guys, it was like other guys did not exist on that level. It wasn't like it was hard. I just ceased to think that way. I saw a guy and I did not think about appearance. I did not really think anything in fact. It was kinda weird.

And then there was Mike. Okay, not like I am trying to lessen responsibility on my part, but to be quite honest, my needs were just not being met sufficiently. Jim and I just were not in the same place, and it was starting to really bug me. I still remember how it started. Mike and I were sitting at the bar and he asked if Jim and I were talking about getting married. I said no. So, already a sore point for me, and he brought it up. Mike was surprised. Part of it was that we had been together for so long, and part of it was that as much as he can be a player, he was looking to settle down after college. We started talking about what we wanted post-college and it was startlingly similar. It was nice. Anyway, long story short, I realized that was not a path I wanted to explore, Jim or no Jim. Also, when Jim caught wind of it, our relationship changed. I felt more secure in our relationship, which allowed me to be a happier person. I have security issues. I don't have a stable family, and I want that more than anything.

That brings me to my next thing I wanted to talk about: Jim. Jim has been here twice in the last week. It was great. He was here last weekend and we had tons of fun. What is most interesting to me is that he spontaneously showed up last night and we had a great evening and we did not "do" anything. Usually time with Jim means a lot of sexual activity. Last night we had dinner, went back to his hotel, got undressed and went to bed. He wrapped his arm around me and it was great. We woke up and it was kinda playful, but again, we really did not "do" anything. I did not mind. I don't think he did either. It's not that I don't find him incredibly sexy, because I do, and it's not that I don't enjoy being intimate with him, because I do, but its just that I don't need it all the time. And it was nice to be able to hold each other and just be content with that. I also wouldn't want that every night, but it was to spice things up. (no pun intended)

I was also thinking today about how my view of us in the future has changed. I still find myself bringing it up a lot. I probably piss him off a lot when I do that. I hate uncertainty. If I could plan out the next five years, I would. Not that I don't like spontaneity, but I like to know where I am headed. Also, as I mention to him I want to move to VA when I am done with my degree (9 more months!!) but I don't really want to do that as just the girlfriend. By then it will be four years and almost three months, and I just feel that we kinda need to head somewhere more concrete. We have done the living together thing. I know that he is a person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel that he feels the same way. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to move there one day and get married the next. I would actually enjoy having a nice engagement. I was thinking maybe like a year would be good. Anyway, the LAST time we talked about it I felt like I really understood where he was coming from. Poor guy, he must feel like a broken record, but I guess I am just slow. Anyway, he talked about where he was as a person, and wanting to be a better person. I don't necessarily see eye to eye with him on this one, but of course I respect his opinion and at least I understand it. I think we constantly grow as people, and continue to seek self-improvement, so I was kinda confused by his stance, but whatever. Also, I think he is perfect the way he is, but that's a whole nother story.

Jim's been very cute lately. He gave me three (3!) cards and they were all very sweet. I have said time and again that I am not one of those girlfriends who expects a lot of "stuff" from her bf, but it was nice to get a little something that I can look at every day and feel my heart melt just a little bit more. In fact, his friend came with him this past weekend and we went to Yankee Candle, and this guy went nuts getting all this crap for his gf. Don't get me wrong, candles smell yummy and all. I have a few even. Although, they are all from my mom, and I can't wait to be rid of them because I worry I will burn the house down. Also, I bought Jim's mom this yummy candle called Christmas Cookie and if one could sniff the smell out, I would. But ANYWAY, this guy went and got fudge (yes, fudge at a candle place, don't ask) and smelly car thing, and a bunch of candles. Sweet, yeah, I guess. I would think it was nice if Jim did that I guess, but I would feel bad, almost like it was a waste of money. I would much prefer it be spent on something..I guess more productive. And its not because I am not a candle nut. Sure I found cool stuff there. They had these sachets, and one smelled like Jim (clean cotton), and I would love a smelly car thing. But do I NEED it? Nah. I live a very nice life without smelly car things.

So yeah.

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