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July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

I started having this full blown freak out today. Obviously it had been bubbling under the surface, and Jim noticed it when we got back from the grocery store. Whilst in the car I started telling him how upset I was about my job frustrations and frustration about the medication I am on.

I am on medication to clear up some acne and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's been about five weeks, and it seems to be getting worse if anything. It's so frustrating because I have been dealing with this for what seems like forever. It wasn't such a big deal when I was actually a teenager, but it's really getting old now. I heard from Andy today and he had mentioned how he got two job offers (out of the four schools he applied to). I can't even be happy for him. I was pissed. Seething. And it's not fair to him, but fuck him. It's not fair to ME! He just takes the test, gets a provisional license and schools are all excited. What the fuck? Now, to be fair for a second he is a middle school teacher. Which, since those people are crazy, they are high demand. But back to my ranting. I put myself 0ver 15,000 dollars in debt, busted my ass to get a masters in a year and I have one job offer, and a conditional one at that. He applied to four schools, and got two offers. I applied to every district in Maryland and North Carolina, and almost every district in norhern Virginia.

So yeah, you can see why I am upset.

UMass is pissing me off because in their infinite wisdom, they did not foresee any problems in taking OVER A MONTH to confer the degrees. Basically, Jenn cannot complete most of her application because she has not sent in official transcripts. It's July! I graduated in May! Come on....it is so so so so frustrating. Our housemate Amy works for a congressman, and had offered to call, see if she could grease the wheels a little (since it works for old people are their medicare checks) but she hasn't done it yet.

So that was just the tip of the iceburg, right there in the car. It wasn't until a few hours later at bedtime I found myself crying and upset. Which, naturally made Jim upset. It really bugs him when I cry. He's got that guy mentality that he should be able to fix problems. Also, it was getting late, and he had to get to work in the AM so I am sure that made him a wee bit frustrated as well.

It was then that I shared something that I had not even really verbalized to myself as being a problem: I missed having a real friend. For fuck's sake, it has been years since I have had a real best friend. Now admittedly, this was not a huge problem in the beginning, most of my best friends don't turn out too well.

4th grade - fight over Barbies, friendship ends 7th grade - started dating my boyfriend
8th grade - started dating my boyfriend and then wrote me off in high school, accusing me of trying to get said boy back
10th grade - We got into a fight about something and she stopped talking to me.

Not a great track record. The sad part is that in two of the cases, a fight over something that was probably trivial got between us. On the other hand, the one in 10th grade was pretty fucked up it turned out, so it was good we stopped associating with each other.

But the point is, I have not had a best friend in 7 years. That's a really long time. While Jim has filled a lot of that void, it's not the same thing. But here's the problem: it's very hard for me to make friends. Not like I am some uncouth person (ok, the cursing today may point otherwise, but I am not, I swear!) it's just I am horrendously shy. Plus girls intimidate me. So, usually what I do is just write them off. Probably so I can do it before they can. It's such a catch-22: I want so desperately to have even one friend, yet the idea scares me so much that I won't do it.

So here I am, day after day, wasting away and losing my mind. When I had my netflix account I actually looked forward to my trip out to the mailbox because it got me out of the house, even though it was for a few minutes.

Last week, as I wrote about, Amy invited me out to Tysons (the most amazing mall) so we could check out the Banana sale. I was really apprehensive about it, but push came to shove and I knew I had to take a risk, so I did it. Now obviously, I survived. But it was so painful. We had so little to talk about. We mostly talked about the broken dishwasher. Who does that? Seriously? I think my social mechanisms are broken or something.

It's always been like this though. My grandmother later lamented that when I was very young I spent no time with other children. There weren't any around. The closest person in age was my aunt, who is 14 years older than I am. I was put in preschool when I was about 3, when I learned to read, and while it was great as far as what I learned, I did not do as well socially as they had hoped. I still have faint memories of playing by myself in 1st grade.

Finally I managed to calm down and in a few minutes I am going to watch the end of Harry Potter 2. My sleeping pattern has been so erratic, I can't even go to sleep when Jim falls asleep, which is what kicked off my crying jag. For some reason the quiet just made me snap.

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