One day, you just suddenly realize that you are moving on. Sure, you had gone on some dates, but suddenly your focus is in a different place.
I guess you would say that I am "dating" someone now. I guess the uncertainty comes from the labels. We have gone on two dates, and will continue to at least a third, so I guess that is what dating is, right? Things seem to be moving quickly and I don't know if it is just me not knowing how this stuff works or what.
On Sunday we met up for dinner, had a fabulous time. Monday I had a fairly crappy day and I called him to more shoot the breeze I guess and some how we ended up making plans to have lunch the following day (today). Well, today we went out for lunch, after lunch took a walk around the neighborhood and just had a really good time. We held hands, started getting into more meaningful conversation, and then, when he walked me to my car he kissed me.
It was the first time I had thought about Jim. I felt a little badly about the situation, after all, here is my first kiss in over five years. Five years of kissing the same lips, and suddenly, here I am kissing someone else. They were great kisses too and yet I felt guilty. But a sense of guilt almost out of instinct. Over the last few months I had been making progress, albeit Jim sets me back very often when he calls or visits, but it just seemed wrong....
I slowly let myself relax and just enjoy the moment and sure enough as the kissing continued I found it easier. Of course, I do feel a bit conflicted. I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed on Friday, and Jim is driving me to and from this appointment. Yet my new guy wants to come over this weekend and watch some movies and cheer me up (if need be I guess).
So I guess this means this is it for me and Jim. In the sense that we probably shouldn't see each other for a while. Well, I have known that deep down for months, but resisted because it felt so comfortable. It was so easy to just listen to him on the phone, or kiss him, or...Part of me is unsure if I can behave appropriately with Jim, even knowing that I am with new guy.
After all, I have cheated on boyfriends in the past. It always has to do with an ex. Well, one ex in particular. Whenever Alan would come around again, and he inevitably would for many years, I would go right back to him. I would go back to him even when I dated two of his friends. Wrong? Hell yeah I knew it was wrong. But the pull was so strong.
That temptation is no longer there, in fact it ended years ago. I saw him, years ago, and the feeling were gone. Those feelings of love, those feelings of desire had dissipated. I don't know what happened. Was it time? I tend to think it had a little to do with all the time that had passed since our relationship, coupled with the fact that I had fallen in love again.
So does that mean I cannot see Jim or talk to Jim until I fall in love again? I am unsure that I can do that at this point. I certainly know that I am not actively looking for that to happen. Sure, I have been going on dates, but I figured there would be more "misses" right now in this hit or miss process.
I'm just not sure if I can let him go, you see. Had I no choice, had he vanished in June that would be one thing. Hell, if he vanished now it would be easier so to speak. But for crying out loud it was not even two weeks ago when we went out and he spent the night (though not spent the night in that sense).
I guess I know there is not a right answer with this, and there may not even be an answer for a while...