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Diaryland

July 01, 2006
day 7
June 30, 2006
day 6
June 29, 2006
day 5
June 28, 2006
day 4
June 27, 2006
day 3

I wish I could say that things are going very well right now. But they are not. Things are not very good with Jim, they are not very good at work, and I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't understand how it could be such a shitstorm in such a short amount of time.

I've spent a lot of time today staring up at my masters degree that's hanging above my desk. I went through so much to get that. I was looking through my archives, and at the time it was so hard and I never thought I would make it through. I read this one and I almost laughed because I feel the same damn way. And then I saw this entry, written around the time I had to stop my master teaching because my resource person did not think I was prepared enough. I think it is worthwhile to repeat the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson "Nothing great can be done without enthusiasm, to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems, whatever you have, to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality. Don't give up, don't ever give up"

Basically the problem is this, while I love the kids that I teach, they have their own set of emotional issues even though it seems so fun and easy to teach the "gifted" - it's not. Anyway, I have this kid who is...I don't even know how to explain it, I don't even really want to get into it. Basically the situation is this, the mom complained to my principal, and my principal decided to move the kid. Of course, since I had the same exact issue LAST year (while my principal wasn't even HERE, mind you) he's really "concerned" and has decided to evaluate whether I should stay at the school next year. Yeah, so it's a real barrel of fun over here.

And Jim. Yeah, he's decided that even though HE broke up with me, he cannot really handle the fact that I started dating again. Well, you know what? Excuse fucking me. You tell me you don't want to be with me, you tell me you cannot see us together like married and stuff, and I was crushed. And all my friends are telling me I need to move on...Starting to date didn't mean that I stopped loving him. But what else was I supposed to do? And we really haven't been all too intimate lately, but you know what? I had strep, I am losing my job, I am stressed about whether I should stay at my school even if I have that choice, and he's acting all weird, and I just don't really feel like it.

I hate people. I really do sometimes. You know with the "huge" snowstorm (read: 3 inches, but VA still shutdown anyway) I decided to stay in this weekend and my roommate apparently went away somewhere because I have not seen her since Thursday and it kinda feels nice. I have not had a conversation in almost 48 hours. I haven't heard my own voice since Friday. (Well, except when I start singing to a song like Radiohead - Creep but I don't even think about that).

The thing is, I know that the situation is not totally dire. I really do. I know that my life could be all sorts of worse. I own a house, I have a new car, I can pay my bills. I have very little debt that is not related to school, car, house. I do have a boyfriend, even if he is being a bit of a shit right now. But really, when it comes down to it, I have all these really superficial relationships that do not sustain me. And it's not for lack of trying, really. I have really been trying this year. I work with three women who are right around my age, and we have at least a few things in common, but it's not working. Ever since the school year started Jen hasn't been around. She never calls me and when I call her she isn't around and doesn't return my calls. That is really depressing since we spent almost every day together over the summer. (sigh). So I feel like I cannot talk to anyone besides Jim about this. And believe, I bend his ear about this night and day.

If life is a test, when do they give the make up?

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